i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
