I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
