you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
