I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
