btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
