i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
