non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
