Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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