I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
