Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
don't judge my taste in strippers
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
