I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
