i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
