You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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