Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It's Friday. Sex?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
