Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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