I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
