And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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