i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
So apparently I’m into choking now
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
