Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
