You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
