I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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