I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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