I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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