i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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