Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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