I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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