I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
