I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
