There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
