I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
