I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
