Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm sobbing to NWA
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