I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
