I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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