I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
