oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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