I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
