He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
