I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
