There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
where are my eyebrows?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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