I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
