the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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