i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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