tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I need moral support for this bender
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
