ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
