you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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