I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
