I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
