Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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