The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
