she woke up with a sticky ear
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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