Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
