if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
