hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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