So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
