i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
