he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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