he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
